Identity Crisis - Part 1

Not Knowing Where I Come From...

Where does my diabetes come from?

"The Stork brings it" ~Mom
"When two people really love each other..." ~Dad
"Happy Meals" ~ Ronald McDonald
"Bad Luck" ~clueless people
"Genetics" ~some books
"America!" ~Stephen Colbert
"There's an inciting incident" ~Doc Thys
"Muhahahahaha!!!" ~Mr. G. Reaper

I find myself scampering through books for answers, driving back into my memory for clues, but it's like the picture above. No matter how closely I look at the picture, what's at the beginning of the tracks remains, and will forever remain a mystery. Searching for answers brings too many. Genetics likely plays some role in the development of diabetes. But then my doctor took me off Gluten and my condition improved, so maybe it's a gluten intolerance. Now I'm reading a book that provides evidence of a link between childhood dairy consumption and several autoimmune diseases, which seems to pretty accurately describe me.

It's like the Nature v. Nurture question of disease. Am I fully absolved of any responsibility or guilt for my condition and just pulled an unlucky straw, or have I spent the last 26 years making decision after bad decision that slowly polluted my body to the point of it attacking itself? Both have supporters with medical degrees, both present compelling arguments, both can throw a pile of statistics in the air with great vigor. But none of that gets me closer to the why, when or how of the matter.

I see myself walking along in the dark, whistling a tune, with a swagger to my step and all of the sudden the lights turn on and I realize I'm walking a wire no wider than a pencil. To either side of me is a steep plunge to a certain death. I look back to see where I took a wrong turn, where the signs were "narrow path ahead", or evidence of the road gradually narrowing, but behind me is only darkness. And now for the rest of my life the swagger is gone, my tread has to be light and calculated, gentle and patient, careful and intentional. And with every step I take, the darkness behind me is more and more impenetrable. I am closer right now to being able to find an incident or explanation in my past that triggered this whole series of events as I ever will be. And I can tell you next to nothing.

Where does my diabetes come from? This question will haunt me until the day I die.

Dailies:

11:09 -> 61 That's the lowest morning I've ever had. I blame the one beer last night, I guess I'll err even higher next time I enjoy my weekly beer. Took 2 Prandin with cereal 105c. Then at 1:00 had an apple 20c. At 2:30 had pb toast 14c.
5:15 -> 87 Hungry! 2 Prandin with lentil souup 56c, salad with beans and broccoli 30c, apple 20c and fake coffee (no cream) 5c = 111c.
9:20 -> 90 Tested because i was hungry. Had 2/3 grapefruit 20c.
12:25 -> 62 Woah! I was feeling low symptoms. Had an apple, waited, took 2 Prandin, waited, had dinner: b sprouts 20c, salad 30c, quinoa 48c, kidney beans 35c = 133c. Took 5 units of Lantus. Seeing as it's night (Lantus worn off), and I had more carbs than usual per pill, I'm expecting a high bedtime number. However, that was slightly intentional since I've had five 60s in the past three days.
3:13 -> 158 Perfect number. I feel comfortable going to bed.


Gratitudes:
1. Grateful for a seat on the subway in both directions.
2. Grateful I wasn't being scrutinized during rehearsal.
3. Grateful for my loving relationship with peanut butter.

Day 73